6 Candidates Show You Why Vancouver is Special

Vancouver’s civic election is happening now, and all these amazing candidates are floating to the surface like turds in Lost Lagoon. It’s beautiful, really, to watch the process of democracy in action.

I had to share some of the best candidates with you, because they are too good to Bogart.

1. Would you vote for a guy who doesn’t vote? This man admits he hasn’t voted his whole life. But, he would like you to vote for him and the irony party.


2. This candidate says “VANCOUVER RULES!” even though he also thinks it’s an overpriced, unfriendly, and “filthy dirty” city. Because that must be what people are saying about us behind our backs. His solution to the conundrum is to maybe not change anything.


3. “Mrs. Doubtfire” is running for school board. He wants to “put kids in charge of their own livelihoods.” You know, like child labor. He also wants to “decriminalize fathers.” I think he’s got it reversed. It’s child labor that’s criminalized, not being a papa, right? Great mug shot, daddy!


4. Earl Sunshine wants you to “open up your hearth and let the sun shine in.” He’s got a succinct set of political ideas based solely on the shininess of his name, with none of that other pesky stuff like spelling.


5. Meynard Auchibon has “got a record for pot er hooking well get u a pot shop and hooks shop.” As mayor, he wants to “blow up ISIS.” And by the way, he hates Asians. He’ll do well at the polls.


6. And my personal favorite, Ms. Cherryse Kaur Kaiser, who gets up every day at 2:30 AM and lives in the “udder bliss of the Milky Way Universal Breast Vortex.” Holy shishkabob! They just don’t make ’em like you anymore, Ms. Kaiser. Only in Vancouver would a mayoral candidate promise “Organic Oneness Vortex-to-Vortex-Enjoyment.”


Vancouver’s bringing its best and brightest. Read about these and other candidates using this handy voting tool, with all official candidate statements. And then vote.

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